Fabiana-Pseudotsuga; 'I want to be great'

Case
Woman 65 years old.
She came to me in September 2002 complaining about her energy.
She has this deep longing to do something Big: ‘I only succeed in small things and this doesn’t give me satisfaction. For a long time I’ve been searching for myself, but I feel as if I’m held back by my scattered energy. I am interested in many things, cultural and spiritual, counseling etc. I haven’t worked for 10 years and I have my week structured with many tasks.

Observation; She looks like a sturdy woman, she wears her silvery hair straight back and fixed with a comb. Her clothing is sophisticated with a touch of the sixties. She has a youthful look.


“Findhorn (an environmental spiritual community) means a lot to me. I am a regular guest there and I’m active in the exchange program. I sometimes feel a deep anticipation and sense of being no good if I have to speak to a group there.
My childhood was a difficult period. I might have had an experience of incest as a little girl. My father was an alcoholic and there was a lot of shouting and violence. My mum was a sweet woman and I loved my grandparents a lot. I witnessed my brother’s drowning as a very young child. I have always been frightened of death, for myself, not for others.
Death is so black, I am very afraid of the darkness. My fear of violence, persecution, and robbers is very strong and worse for being alone at home. I sometimes have the impulse to run away and physically, a gagging reflex. A strange taxi driver can scare me. Even when I think about it now I feel spasms in my belly. I can panic in an empty corridor for no reason. I am a happy mother of 2 daughters, one from an secret relationship. We lived in the sixties, but I felt very guilty about it, although I am very grateful to have my daughter.
I used to have a lot of dreams about falling just as I fell asleep and wake in a panic that I was dying. My sexual experience started when I was 16. I have never been afraid of my sexuality, it has always been exciting. It was forbidden, but I had a drive. I was eager for the attention of men. At the moment I live on my own, but I prefer living in a group which I plan to do again. I go where I want to go, but am very much on my guard. I see and hear everything around me. I am easily frightened, in traffic for example. I have problems with men, especially at work, they tend to deny my emotional approach. If I get very angry in a group, boiling inside, I will walk out. As a child I did everything to get approval. I was always looking for father figures.”
Physical problems?
Low back problems since the age of 16 and a spastic colon. Repeated cystitis.
Fear of inadequacy in new situations. "I do not want to be inferior to others. I have this deep urge to be grand and mean something to mankind, which I think quite pretentious, (she is crying now). I pray to God to let me be an instrument of His peace.’


Analysis:
The fear of death and darkness, delusions of persecution and the need to be grand made me think of the Solanaceae but which? Not Strammonium or Belladonna, although the rubrics in the repertory gave both remedies as possibilities. I looked in Sankarans miasm list for the sycotic remedy there and I found FABIANA UMBRICATA.
Sycotic miasm because the fears were a steady longstanding theme. The special noted sexual interest and the secretiveness surrounding it made me chose Fabiana MK. The recurrent cystitis was the confirmation for me.


Follow Up after 1 month
She has been nervous from time to time, but the fears are gone!!! She has had some back pain, but not very strong, Feldenkreis work helps her. Her bowels have given no problems. Her mother, who is now 89, sometimes makes her very nervous “I feel her tension and it takes me over, it agitates me. We used to have a difficult relationship, but it has gotten softer. We got on well in my early childhood, but after she divorced and my stepfather came on the scene, she dropped me and she left me alone when I was frightened. But if I say something negative about her I feel very disloyal.
I don’t think I use my energy efficiently. I should be able to do more.
I still have the desire to be Grand and to gain recognition, but the need gets less.
I think my mission in this life is to serve and I do, but the others expect more. I have a fear of the greatness, fear of making myself ridiculous. I always compare myself to others and I feel myself to be too small all the time.
At home I feel more at peace”.


Follow Up after 2 months
She has been to Findhorn. She is excited, it was a great time. New friendships and deep experiences, she feels very grateful for the recognition she had gotten. She felt powerful.
Back home it was nice to see her family, but she feels the pressure from her mother again. She will need professional care and it has to be organized.
”It is essential to me to share and to feel connected. I realize that I have to take better care of my physical body. I eat too much, this causes tension in my abdomen. I have a little loss of urine when walking too fast.”
Fears?
“Only when there is this ice-cold very black wind. When I am relaxed at home I am more confident. I have seen and experienced my own power.
Advice: wait.


Follow Up after 4 months
I feel disatisfied with life and I have been quite depressed for some days. I feel weak after realizing again that I do have great potential, but it doesn’t come out, just like my ex husband. I have to do my best to stay grounded. My sleep is OK, I never wanted to take sleeping pills. I once took pills to lose weight. They must have been amphetamines, I was very energetic while taking them, but I have to be careful not to get addicted. My father was an alcoholic and at one time I drank beer or gin because they don't smell and to suppress the hyperventilation.
No fears of any threat any more.
I believe in the challenge of change, but I just feel emptiness, it makes me angry with myself. I am looking for a higher goal, but I don’t feel it. I feel disconnected. The feeling of being no good is there again.
Analysis:
The feeling of emptiness and disconnection reminded me of the Coniferae family, but which one? I chose PSEUDOTSUGA MENZEISII 200K
(Because she feels alone and rejected and cut off from others. Fear of joining the group, critical of self and others, resentful, grief, may have bulimia or alcoholism. This is the essence of the remedy and the patient.)


Follow Up after 5,5 months
The Pseudotsuga gave her a very good, strong feeling. She suffered from cystitis again and took antibiotics. She had to be there for her mother who went into an old people’s home and who needs a lot of attention and is sometimes confused. ”She doesn’t like it there and calls me very frequently.” Old memories came up especially during the clearing of her old house and we talked about some painful events from the past.
Physically nothing worth mentioning.
Advice: I gave her FABIANA imbr. MK to be taken when needed.


Follow Up after 7,5 months
She has had her hair cut short, she looks very fresh. She has had a hard time. Her mother moved into a special home and she was very tired and emotional once everything was taken care of. “I took some time off and went with a friend into the dunes and to the seaside. I felt much better there, but when I came home everything overwhelmed me again.
I had abdominal pains, I took acidophilus which helped relieve the pain.
I have no fears any more. I can cope better with my mother’s behavior and I am still growing and enjoying life. My goal is to be a kind of witch, a wise woman.”

At her request I gave her a dose of Pseudotsuga 200K because she was enchanted with the idea of this big tall tree.

She moved to the east of the country to live in a commune and promised to get in touch if necessary.