Thulium fluoratum case

Case
C. S. Female 38y.

Presenting symptoms: major headaches, worse since she has been training as a transactional analysis counselor and undergoing counseling herself at the same time.
"Huge amount of emotion trapped in my head. Pounding headaches. Worse for emotional stress and for digging deep into a lot of stuff."
She has problems with her husband who has had prostate cancer and surgery which has left him infertile and impotent. ‘We have huge issues still’ (C.S. had wanted another child)
"Anger that he is impotent and infertile. Anger makes me short of breath and it pounds in my head. I have residual anger all the time.
Head feels hot and pulsating. Scary – I feel scared a lot of the time"

Case History:
"My mother left me when I was 3 yrs old. My mother was distant anyway and this was reinforced when she left. I saw her regularly until I was 8yrs old. My mother then went overseas for 16 years, and I only saw her once a year. My mother built up a huge pretense about being close to me and I wanted to believe it. I learned to not trust my own voices and do what the ‘big people’ said."

"My father was having an affair so my parent’s relation broke down. My mother said she left to make way for the stepmother. Stepmother was lovely and very supportive."

"When I was 8 years old my half-brother was born. I felt an outsider, like I was an intrusion on the 3 of them."


Felt an outsider – not belonging to the group.
At 16 years – went to boarding school, very wealthy people, and "I didn’t feel I fitted in I was on the outside".
University – hated it. "I didn’t fit in. I got ill with glandular fever and left".
M.E. later on. "My parents were furious with me for leaving, but it was right for me".

"In my childhood, I felt I would be OK if I were perfect. It is hard for me if my house isn’t perfect. My father was very achievement orientated. I only got praise and recognition for school and music. No recognition for just being me. Not allowed to be angry or sad. Learned to be strong and perfect. I bottled up and was a compliant happy child. I was never told that I was loved. I was devoid of the realities of emotion".

SECRET – pretense – "I was not allowed to tell people that my parents were divorced and that my stepmother was not my real mother".
Constant fears and bad dreams, constantly about ghosts – dark, ominous, lurking scary things.
Dream (2 weeks ago): "Evil, nasty, scary presence in the corner of the room. I was dragged toward it, being possessed by it, and a voice and words coming out which were not mine. Terrified. I was forced to do and say things I didn’t want to do. I would wake petrified – always thought something just outside my bedroom".

Dreams of planes crashing, "I would watch them about to crash".
"Fearful something dreadful was about to happen".
"Fear that if I weren’t good enough, my father would also leave me. Fear when stepbrother was born that father could get rid of me if I wasn’t good enough".
"My mother is back in this country now, I do see her, but we have very different realities about our relationship. I get very angry with her. I felt very little and criticized by her. Now, rather than being a scared little girl who does everything her mother tells her to, I have started to stand up to her".

Physical History:
Was prone to sore throats as a child.
Glandular fever, and chronic fatigue syndrome.
On the Pill for 15 years.
Periods were very heavy and painful since son born and IVF.
Headaches in last 4 years and worse lately, worse since counseling.

Prescription
Carcinosin 1M.

Follow Up 1
Much improved headaches and premenstrual tension. Felt better in herself, not so suppressed or pushed down. "Has made me feel stronger, more aware of what is going on and choosing to do what I want. I feel more in touch with feelings and am allowing them to open up and happen".
Dream 1: me as a little girl being very scared.
Dream 2: A person run over by a bus and dragged along and nobody noticed. Their head was split open. Nobody had seen this person, but me.
"I felt this person was me, something bad happened to me, my feelings not seen. It has to do with my mother leaving me at 3 years old.
Anger pulsates at the back of my head, Ican recognize it more and make more of a connection to it".
"Had a very frank conversation with my mother about her lack of support. It was a big deal for me not to be scared of the consequences. I told her that my reality was important. Have always been the good girl and done what was expected of me. I felt very powerful".
"Fear levels are quite high still - startled easily – scared in the dark, of crashing. Fear of the dark – cannot see what is there. Something might be lurking – I can’t see it. Fear of some other presence lurking in the door, being dragged toward it. This feels like my lifetime of having to say or do things I didn’t want to".

Prescription
Repeated Carcinosin


Follow Up 2
Some improvement continued but C.S. had tonsillitis, headaches were better and less frequent, but still there at times. Premenstrual tension still there, but for a shorter time.
THEN: Came down with tonsillitis.
Had had a very busy Christmas. "I invited all my relatives to Christmas lunch. I spent a lot of time organizing and preparing. I was angry that I didn’t get to participate in the fun. Angry at how my stepchildren behaved. I didn’t feel heard. Felt frustrated and angry. I felt utter loneliness and despair. Felt shut out from my son. Felt not even heard by him".

Consumed by this feeling – been there many times.
Black hole of despair – deep, narrow ravine – dark. Scared – alone – cannot see anything above (hand gesture). Very unhappy.
"I am little and I am not O.K. What have I done to be here? How will I get out? Where is everybody. Some light at the top, but is so far away. Cannot see beyond the edges of the ravine. Dark and gloomy but not pitch black. Cannot see the sun. Deeply despairing feeling – wretchedness – very deep feeling – alone – scared – worthless – unimportant – unnoticed – what’s the point of life".

"In my teens, I toyed with the idea of suicide but didn’t do anything. My life was so awful. Felt I was trouble for everyone. Felt dreadful about my self. Would be better if I wasn’t around".

"My mother suddenly vanished when I was 3 years. My father magnified my feelings of being alone and scared, Idid not feel recognized. My father never did emotions".

Very isolated – SECRECY- don’t be who you are – have to pretend that stepmother was my real mother. "It taught me not to trust what I was feeling.
When my brother was born – isolation – the 3 of them – I was a reminder of my father being married before. Had all those feelings I shouldn’t have – they should go away – I should go away. I was never valued for me – valued for academic achievements. I was never told I was loved".

Dreams – very scary.
1. "My mother was so angry she got a kitchen knife and was stabbing at chairs, and then stabbed herself in the back. I saw blood pumping out. I was very scared and didn’t know what to do".
2. "I was walking on my way to junior school. I was kidnapped by a satanic cult and was due to be exhibited. I was raped, but woke up. Saw lots of people arriving. The guy doing it had a weird tongue, a red emblem on it. Was very frightening.

Prescription
Thulium fluoratum 1M

Follow Up 3
"Have done a huge amount of work. Have touched on that part of me that doesn’t feel I have a right to exist. A very deep place. Has been very painful to acknowledge, but OK as well".
"Deep-seated right to exist as a child. Not existing for my mother. The compensation has been to be perfect and to be strong with my emotions. It was a survival technique as a child. I don’t need to do that now. Realize that I have always done what others want me to do rather than doing what I want. Going to start listening to what I want. Feels very liberating and wonderful".
"Saw an old colleague – gave me a pink feeling – joy to be alive – fantastic, overwhelming great feeling. Have never felt that joy to be alive before.
Sad that I have never had it before. Made me feel that I am important, someone does remember me (old colleague) – which I don’t vanish when they leave".
Really big changes since remedy.
"Coming to terms that my mother is not the mother I wanted, but accepting who she is. Shock, yearning and searching, including in my dreams. Realized that my yearning for old boyfriends was attachment, searching for lost love i.e. my mother".

DREAMS: All very scary and very vivid.
"I am in a lift going to a business meeting, went to shake someone’s hand, then fell as if drunk.
The lift began to fail and go down into free-fall. The safety mechanism caught, but then failed again. I am going to die. Absolute knowledge that I would die, that I cant do anything about it and it is now. Couldn’t face the ending, so I changed it to a fairground. Big wheel whizzing me around, very hard to hold on. Very sick and nauseous, so I let go and then woke up. I let go of that crazy merry-go-round of my life. I was afraid to die. Letting go, everything out of control,release, but yet I didn’t die".
"Death = not existing. Sobbed about not doing what I want and only doing what others want, felt heavy, but still feel I am here and that I am O.K".
"Can really feel a difference in me. Feels a very pink feeling! Finding that joy of being alive, Of being me, making choices that are right for me and not others".
"Want bright pink, in your face pink! Clothes changing – wearing lots of bright colours and lots of pink"!
Period was shorter and heavier, then better. Premenstrual tension much less. No headaches.

(See ‘Secret Lanthanides’)
This patient is someone on a quest to discover herself and her counseling training and subsequent counseling has enabled her to explore this journey.
She has big eyes, suffers from bad headaches. She has felt a loner and on the outside. She felt rejected as a child, principally by her mother and then by her father. Secrets and evil and darkness and possession by evil. She had to give up her autonomy, her sense of self in order to survive. Despair, black hole, dark ravine. Sexual abuse in a satanic religious sect.
This patient continues to do very well with this remedy.